I stood in the mirror, gazing at my postpartum body. I honed in on the layer of skin that overhung my c-section scar like a little pooch. The rest of my stomach had slowly begun to retract back to it’s normal state but there was a distinct layer of fat that perched itself right above my wound. It was numb to touch which made the sensation of it all even stranger and I still couldn’t bare to touch my scar..
I just stood and I stared; feeling so disconnected from my own body.
Naturally my first point of call was google. Just like any medical condition, I was sure it would give me the worst case scenario and be told that it was because of something that happened in the operation. A reaction or a mishap perhaps.
But instead it was worse.
There was nothing.
No one talking about it.
At my six week postpartum checkup, I had told my GP I was concerned about the way it was healing. She told me to stop being so hard on myself.
But no commentary about what i was experiencing.
So here I stood, gazing, scrutinising this little fat strip that symbolised just how hard this period had been & making myself to blame. The mum guilt barged in.
I should have slowed down.
I should have listened.
I should have carved out the time to recover.
But I didn’t & here we are, a permanent mark that represents my inability to follow the rules.
I’d pretty much given up hope until I spoke to my massage therapist who assured me it was completely normal & it wouldn’t last forever.
Tears welled up in my eyes because that’s really all I’d wanted to hear; that it was normal & that I wasn’t alone in my experience.
The thing is, I didn’t really give a damn about the pooch; instead it was an insecurity based on a fear of failure. One that stems from our inability to talk about the reality of motherhood.
The good, the bad, the fluidy.
Childbirth is a weird, wonderful & sometimes traumatic thing but I promise you that you’re not alone in any of it.
So if you are sitting here, post c-section, looking at your pooch & wondering if you’re the only one, trust me when I say you’re not… and I assure you that the scars, both physical and emotional, will all fade eventually ❤
